


Good enough

by ckTmi



Category: SKAM (Italy)
Genre: Character Study, Elippo, Kinda, M/M, Mental Illness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-02
Updated: 2019-02-02
Packaged: 2019-10-20 23:25:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,796
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17631731
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ckTmi/pseuds/ckTmi
Summary: Elia is acting weird and Marti is determined to find out why. At first, he thinks it might be that Elia's new relationship is taking up his time but he quickly finds out it isn't. So what the hell is going on with him? His friends and boyfriend start worrying. Something is really wrong.





	Good enough

Elioppo (Elia centric) fanfic. tw: mental health issues, mentions of institutionalisation, Nico talks about his mental stuff as well

Also, I have nothing to do this weekend so send me prompts (mainly elippo but you can suggest others but I can’t promise I will do them)

Elia never actually comes out to his friends. Or anyone for that matter. So, it is a little surprising that when the Contrabbandieri is talking about what girls they are going to hook up with that night Elia slips in a, “You think Filippo is going to be there?” It is directed at Martino and while there is a slight pause from everyone and a slight shift in atmosphere, he eventually replies. “I think so, I mean… he is invited… so…” Elia just hums in approval and sips his beer. Martino and Gio exchange a look. Luca is sipping his beer completely unaware of the importance of what just happened.

When they finally arrive at the party Marti makes a point of introducing Filippo and Elia to each other. He is going to be a good friend. No matter how uncomfortable the idea of Filippo and Elia together is to him. But when they are introduced, Marti understands. The mutual lingering of the handshake and the stolen glances. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad after all. As long as he never hears any of their sex stories. Nooooo, thank youuu.

Marti, Nico and Gio are standing in the kitchen. Discussing what is happening. Is Elia also into guys?? Why did he never say anything?? Are Elia and Filippo really going to happen? Or are they reading into things? It sure looks like they are interested based on the laughter erupting from the two sitting on a couch in the living room. But again, Marti knows how Filippo can be and Elia is always trying to get people to laugh. So maybe it is nothing.

But that reality gets crushed a few hours and beers later. Marti and Nico are off drunkenly dancing somewhere. Gio and Luca are sitting on the couch Elia and Filippo was on earlier. So, it is no surprise that when Luca turns to talk to Gio he sees something through the open door to the kitchen. Elia and Filippo. Kissing. Elia is sitting on the counter. Filippo standing between his legs. Luca nods in their direction.

“When the hell did that happen?” And naturally, Gio turns. He didn’t see an urgency that normally sneaked its way into party hookups but didn’t think of it. “Well, he mentioned him, earlier didn’t he? And they have been together all night.” Luca looks shocked. “Really?!?” Gio just nodded. 

A bit earlier

“I can’t believe Marti had to introduce us as if we didn’t already know each other,” Fili said with a small laugh. 

“Yeah, it’s a little weird… I don’t know… I like keeping this thing just ours. To keep it separate from everything. Our little escape.” Elia looked a little sombre. 

He was staring down his beer. As if the answers to his problems were at the bottom. Fili took the bottle from his hand and placed it on the counter. Next to Elia but just out of his reach. Elia didn’t protest, he knew he had had enough to drink. Fili returned and stood between Elia’s knees. His hands calmly slid up and down Elia’s thighs. 

“I get that. I do. But you know they won’t care, right? I mean you saw how everything went with Marti when he came out.” 

Elia stayed silent for a bit. “It is not about that. I don’t have a need to make an announcement. They know I am interested in you. I dropped a hint earlier.” Elia finally raised his eyes and looked at Fili. 

“Oh, did you?” a little teasing came out in Fili’s voice, but it quickly turned serious again, “You know, what we have won’t change just because they know. It can still be our escape. If you need it to be. Since I know Marti it is going to be difficult keeping this out of the rest of your life. But I don’t have to be friends with your friends if you don’t want me to. I’ll understand.” 

Elia looked away again. “I don’t know… Maybe it won’t be too bad if they knew. But I need to be able to come back to you. And not be stuck in the rest of my life.” 

Fili lifted Elia’s head up by his chin. “You can,” he whispered. They both leaned in and kissed. Elia took his hands from their supportive position behind and placed them around Fili’s body. The kiss was slow and reassuring. The weight Fili was putting on his thighs oddly calming. Grounding. When they broke apart their foreheads rested on each other. 

“You never told me why you need this to be an escape. And I don’t expect you to. But know that I am here if you need me.” They opened their eyes and straightened up. “What do you wanna do? Dance? Keep kissing? Go home? We can go to mine if you want.” Elia hugged Fili closer to him and just kissed him. They stayed like this for a long time. Elia didn’t want to make up another excuse for not going to Fili’s. He had to go home to his own house. That is what he had planned, so he had to. He didn’t have his stuff with him. And he needed it. Apparently. Even though it seemed to do nothing at the moment.

 

It had gotten late. People were heading home. The cool late spring nights both sobering and comforting. Elia had slipped away earlier in the night. He was sitting on the sidewalk outside How did he end up here. How was this his life? He had great friends. A good and fortunate family. And Fili, and while they never really had talked about it, he was his boyfriend. There was no denying that. At least not anymore. To anyone from the outside, he had a good life. But that was not the truth. Elia knew that. There was a reason he had to go home. He knew he shouldn’t drink and smoke. He knew that. There was a comfort in the sorrow that followed. A familiarity. He got up and went home.

Inside, the Contrabbandieri got ready to leave. Not spotting Elia, Marti went to find Fili to see if he knew where he was. “No, I haven’t seen him in a while. He left to find you guys. Didn’t he?” Marti was worried now. While Elia was reckless, leaving without saying goodbye was a little unusual. And on top of that, lying to Fili about where he was going really set off alarm bells in his head. He went outside to call Elia. After a failed try a message came through.

Sorry. I had to leave. It got late and I had to go home. Didn’t mean to freak you out. Sorry.

Marti quickly replied. While he was glad Elia was safe, he still didn’t like the situation. Something seemed seriously off. Elia had always had an air of something around him. None of the boys had ever been able to put their finger on it. While Elia was not secretive, he was private. Reclusive almost. Marti felt like this was the final straw. He was going to find out if there was a serious reason to worry about Elia.

 

It was hard. It really was. Marti realized how much they don’t really know about Elia over the next few days. While Elia seems fine, happy even, in school Marti noticed the smiles that don’t last. The bags under Elia’s eyes. They had always been there but never noticed. Elia seems different. Not much. Just a bit. He gets tired more quickly. More irritated. Less prone to hanging out. At first, Marti thought maybe he was seeing Fili more and that a new relationship took energy from him. But he talked to Fili and he said he wasn’t spending much time with Elia either. So, what was going on?

Elia looked at the clock above the blackboard. Five minutes. And he could go. Home. And finally, breathe. Relax. Before his family came home and crowded him with their concern. He knew he had been neglecting people. But at least his family knew why. But their understanding and pity and sympathy was suffocating. Before, Elia could escape to Fili. But he couldn’t anymore. He couldn’t keep up with him anymore. Couldn’t get it up anymore, Elia thought with toxic humour. Elia didn’t want that conversation with Fili. It was easier to stay away. Excuses for absence was easier than excuses for his lack of interest in intimacy. 

So, his bed became his new refuge. Once again. He had rolled down the blackout curtain and tried to take a nap. But while he was exhausted, he couldn’t sleep. He was distantly aware of his phone buzzing and the screen lighting up his room behind him. His friends and boyfriend were reaching out, but he couldn’t muster up the energy to even turn around, nonetheless hang out with them. Leaving his bed seemed like an impossible task. 

He heard his door open. Light flooded into his room. He didn’t move. He guessed it was his mom. His dad was at work and his sister wouldn’t be home yet. She stood in the doorway. “Elia?” A small whisper, barely there. Elia kept quiet. She waited a bit. She closed the door behind her as she left.

 

Elia was slipping he knew it. He felt it. And he was starting to think his friends noticed. Marti and Gio gave him deeper looks. Checking up on him more. But he couldn’t care less at this point. His self-induced isolation pained and comforted him. He hadn’t seen Fili in over a week. And last time it was only for an hour at a café near the school. Elia had made up some excuse to go home. Alone. Again. 

One Monday he stayed home from school. Unable to get out of bed. His mom had checked in on him at midday with a cup of tea. She entered the dark room. She sat on his bed. He sat up. Taken the mug. Laid his head on her shoulder. They were quiet. She had put her arms around him. The mild relief in the hug was almost more painful than anything else but he stayed. Soaking in the comfort. The contact. His mom sighed. He couldn’t imagine the pain his parents must feel. Their child. Once so happy. Now so sick. The tea was nice if not a little bland. And he forgot about it. They stayed until the tea was cold. 

“I haven’t talked to Fili in a while,” Elia broke the silence. “Do you think he hates me? For not responding to his messages that much.” 

His mom was quiet for a while. Carefully choosing her words. “No, I don’t think so. But I am sure he misses you.” 

Elia doubted her. “I miss me, too,” he confessed, “and him.” 

They sat in the dark a little longer. The house phone rang. They let it. But the second time his mom had to get up. She closed the door behind her. Elia got out of bed. Only by need. The tea and the liquid intake of the previous day were putting his bladder under pressure. As he left his room he stopped. His mom’s voice quiet and sad. 

“- seems like it is getting worse. I am scared. I don’t want to have him out of my sight anymore. But maybe keeping up a daily routine is what is best. I don’t know… Yeah, maybe… We can talk when you get home. I love you… Bye.” 

He continued down the hall to the bathroom. It broke his heart to see his pain spreading. But he couldn’t help it. As he washed his hands, he looked in the mirror. His face seemed unrecognizable. Objectively, he looked the same. But the eyes looking back at him seemed unfamiliar.

 

One day turned into two which turned into a week. On Wednesday Marti had stopped by. He had heard the door and his mom opening it. “He is a little under the weather, that’s all, dear.” After she had asked Elia why he kept on insisting not telling his friends. By Friday, Fili had stopped texting him. The radio silence hurt but he understood. He hadn’t given any noise to Fili for longer. 

Sitting at the dinner table was awkward. His family trying to act normal while Elia didn’t feel like being there. This was him being confronted. They saw and it felt violating. Every time he slipped. It was an uncomfortable reminder. For all of them. While staying in bed was more obvious it was less confrontational. Not having to pretend not to notice their pitying looks of concern. It almost angered him. But at this point, he didn’t have the energy to keep his emotions from fleeting. 

“Remember, you have your appointment tomorrow. At 11.” Elia sighed. “I know, Mum. It’s not like it hasn’t been Saturday at 11 for 3 years now. Jesus.” 

He got up in a brief moment of irritation. Frustration. His parents looked at each other. His sister, uncomfortable. He left and returned to his bed. Alone. Just him and his thoughts. Both empty and racing.

 

Fili was worried. And hurt. He hadn’t heard from Elia in almost two weeks. Ghosted. After months. Ghosted. He met up with Marti. Marti said he was worried about Elia. That something was wrong. That he had gone to his house and his mum just told him he was sick. Fili felt bad. If something was wrong, he couldn’t blame Elia. Fili told Marti that he and Elia had been together longer than he thought. He had to. He had to tell Marti that Elia had been acting weird for a while before the night he abruptly left the party. Marti was confused as to why Elia hadn’t told them but let it slide. Sipping his coffee Fili thought about going over to his house. He knew that Elia’s parents knew who he was but if they hadn’t let Marti see him why would they let him.

 

Elia was sitting in the familiar waiting room. The pale colours almost mocking. The phoney serenity. It seemed that the main emotions he had lately were, angry irritation towards anything, hurt, and nothing. The irritation was the worst. It made him toxic. It spread his hurt around him. And he could see it happening. Unable to stop it. His consciousness and control bound behind a smoke screen. Just watching the horrible interaction in front of him. His hurt mother. Father. Sister. He convinced himself that the isolation he had made from his friends and Fili was for their protection. No interaction, no lashing out.

“So, how was your week?” The calm therapist in front of him asked. Elia wanted to scream. How could he possibly ask that! As if it was so trivial. 

“Horrible.” Elia answered emotionless. “And why is that?” Shifting in his chair as if the most interesting thing would be Elia’s answer. It made him angry. The fakeness of it all. “Because it is. I don’t know. I feel like my brain is not working anymore. It is like it is sabotaging me and I can’t do anything about it. The pills aren’t working. I know it takes time but it has been a while. I just can’t believe these are failing me too.” 

His therapist leaned back. Put down the notebook. Pretending the next words would be meaningful. Personal. “You have been through it before Elia. You know it’ll get better. Why is it worse now?” Elia stood up and paced around the couch. “Because… Because last time I thought it would be the last. That the next drug would be the last. But it failed. They both did. Why should I believe this one won’t as well?” 

He looked at the man in front of him. His casual wear giving off the fake impression this wasn’t a formal transaction. He got paid. Elia got help. Nothing else. He sat down again. “You just have to believe it will be. There is a good chance it will be.” Elia didn’t say anything. “And your friends? Your boyfriend? Have you talked to them? About this? About anything?” Elia shook his head. The one thing he wouldn’t. No matter how much he was advised to, he wouldn’t tell them. “No, I haven’t talked to them. It would be worse to.” Elia looked around the room. 

They were silent for a while. “Are you having side effects? You seem irritated. Are you anxious?” Elia shrugged. “Can you sleep?” Elia shook his head. “And sexually?” Elia froze a bit. “How’s your sex drive?” Elia opened his mouth to answer. He closed it again. He shifted on the couch. “Uh… Not great. Basically, non-existent at the moment. Which is difficult when uhhh… you know… uhm… you are dating another guy… it is…” Elia trailed off and looked away. “Maybe we should switch your medicine if it is impairing you this much. And if it is not working.” Elia nodded. 

His mom was waiting for him when he came out. The therapist updated his mother on their new agreement. Elia stood silently beside her. It felt so exposing hearing other people discuss his mental health. It should be mundane by now but somehow, he never got used to it.

 

On Monday Elia was back. Routine he liked. He could go on autopilot. Sit quietly in class. Laugh at the stupid things his friends said. He had written a text to Fili. Apologizing for the absence. He understood. The always understanding Fili. A true blessing. Elia knew that. 

Later that week he even saw Fili. He realized how much he had missed him. His touch. His kisses. They were laying on Fili’s bed. Cuddling. Fili had started kissing his neck. His hands wandered. Elia stayed still. Quickly Fili realized and stopped. “You okay?” Elia stayed quiet. He nodded. “You sure?” Elia managed a firm yes in confirmation. “I am just not up for it. I am still very tired. I was sick.” 

Fili returned his arm to the outside of the covers. Hugging Elia. Elia sighed and closed his eyes. “I was sick too, once you know. For a while actually. A few years. But I got better.” Tears started forming in Elia’s eyes. “You’ll get better too. Don’t forget that. No matter how hopeless it seems.” Fili felt wetness spread on his arm where Elia’s head was resting. Fili wished he could see Elia’s faced. But he just hugged Elia tighter. How Fili knew Elia didn’t know. Maybe he just recognized it. Either way, it wasn’t as horrible as Elia thought.

 

The next few weeks were agony. Dulling but agonizing. It is such a weird feeling. The agony dulls you and the dullness is agonizing. The need to feel and the need to not be in pain. Routine was good though. Some days were harder than others. Some days downright horrible. Others felt liberating. There were days where he felt present. As the drugs left his system the side effects slowly left as well. The withdrawal was not easy either. He felt sick and uncomfortable most of the time. At least for a few days. His friends clearly noticed. They asked about it. And for once Elia didn’t brush it off. 

“I am coming of some medicine. I have to start a different kind so…” He looked down at the ground. 

“What kind of medicine?” Elia met Luca’s eyes. 

“Uhm… Anti-depressants… my current ones aren’t working anymore and… they are giving me side effects…” Elia stuttered. 

There was a deafening silence. “How long? How long have you been taking them?” 

Elia cleared his throat. “These, a few months. But in general, over two years.” “Shit,” Gio stated. “Yeah. Shit,” Elia huffed. 

Marti who was sitting next to Elia hugged him. At first Elia stiffened. Then relaxed into the gentleness. The other friends followed. And they sat for a while. In the silence. “

What side effects?” Luca broke the silence. Gio lightly slapped his arm. “What? I am curious!” They laughed. Elia did too, a little weak but he did. “Uhm… I got super irritated and angry. I couldn’t sleep and uhh… my sex drive was like gone. I don’t think these weeks have been easy for Fili.” They laughed again.

 

One day he was hanging out with Marti and Nico. When Marti got up to use the bathroom Nico had told Elia his story of being diagnosed. How ashamed he felt. How it was a girl’s disorder. The crazy girlfriend. Elia had listened. “

Do you guys want tea?” Marti had yelled on his way from the bathroom to the kitchen. “Yes, please.” They both responded. 

“I was institutionalized once,” Elia confessed. “It was over the summer. So, the guys don’t know. Or Fili. I was there for over a month. My mom was scared I was going to kill myself or at least hurt myself so, she had me committed. It was horrible, I felt betrayed, but it saved my life. So maybe she was right.” 

Nico was silent. 

“Me, too. More than once. Then, the odd psychiatric hold every now and then when I have my run-ins with the police and stuff,” Nico chuckled out. Elia wanted to be able to joke about his mental health one day as well. But that day wasn’t really here yet. Marti came out of the kitchen with a tray with mugs. He gave a knowing smile to Elia that he returned, but politely pretended he hadn’t overheard their conversation.

 

With the withdrawal, the side effects vanished. But the depression stayed. Obviously. But it was manageable. Like it had been for a long time before medication. Monday morning. And Marti was grinning at him. 

“It has been a while since I saw one of those on your neck.” Elia grinned and placed a hand over his hickey. 

 

“TMI, but, my sex drive has finally kicked in again and it is not being wasted.” They chuckled. It took a while for the new drugs to kick in. And the hypersomnia was a beast. But eventually his mood lifted and there were no noticeable side effects. Elia could sleep normally again. He felt better. He could live his life again. Fili once again became his refuge when the world seemed a little lacklustre or his parents too much. It wasn’t perfect. But it was good enough.

**Author's Note:**

> Hey! this is the first time I have written in a while and I am sorry if my writing is not the best haha. Late nights give good plots but also a lot of small mistakes. Also, it is my first published fic outside TMI/Malec I think so that's crazy.
> 
> Leave prompts or plots you'd like to see for Elippoand I will try my best to do them.
> 
> Come scream at me on tumblr at youreonlylow


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